In my younger days I was a confident driver; age, however, has remedied this. My growing unease regarding the hazards of the road has been further intensified by moving to the country. In my head, rural driving is all about the breeze blowing through my hair as Classic FM produces a perfect pastoral accompaniment to the vistas before me. In reality, undulating roads punctuated by hairpin bends and populated almost entirely by maniacal 4x4 drivers and thundering agricultural traffic render driving a disconcerting and rather less than pleasant experience. Today, as I was proceeding down one such road, I began to ponder the reasons why fear had taken root so deeply, like Japanese knotweed in my driving consciousness.
I hope I don't lose my licence for admitting this, but my problem, you see, is all about
focus. I focus on the other traffic. I watch the lumbering HGV as it swaggers towards me.
I have my eye on that Range Rover which is clearly just waiting for the most opportune
moment to overtake the tractor and engage us in a head-on collision. I am constantly searching my peripheral vision for potential vehicular hazards. To some extent I would consider that this is a feature of safe driving; the degree to which it causes me to grip the steering wheel, palms sweating and pulse racing, however, might be considered less so.
The answer to my driving dilemma, I have discovered, is to concentrate on the road. I have no influence over the choices that other motorists make; I only have volition over my own
decisions. I must therefore take my eyes off the looming lorry and focus on carefully navigating the road before me, allowing plenty of space for said vehicle to pass. Whilst this approach doesn't make driving an entirely stress free activity for me, it certainly decreases the potentially dangerous blind panic with which I can become gripped.
And so, today, as I nonchalantly passed a rather cumbersome and terrifying road giant, an epiphany was born.
Life is like that. There are threats to our safe passage and obstacles to overcome. There is fear that grips our hearts and paralyses our gaze on the foe. That foe which, like vehicles on a country road, comes in a multitude of shapes and sizes. The big 'C' word, the threat of redundancy, the fear of rejection, the ocean of uncertainty, past abuses which haunt us. They stand in our way. They make our steering wobble just a little. We fear we are losing control. They loom large and terrifying. What if we should crash and burn? And so we sweat and our hearts pound and joy is muffled by terror. Or we sit, safe in the layby of life, watching others move forwards, towards goals we had cherished, all the while becoming bitter and blame-full.
My life is like that. So many roaring lions that paralyse. So many seemingly insurmountable obstacles. They dominate my focus as I lurch this way and that; so much effort to remain upright yet so little progress in moving forward.
I wonder what would happen if I focused on the journey. Focused on just the next short distance of road. Focused on pressing forward. Focused on the Way (John 14:6). The truth is that I do wonder because, up until now, I have always sat in that layby, bemoaning my lack of progress. And I find myself now at a pivotal point in my life. A middle aged crisis, perhaps. If I do not press on from this point forwards, I may miss the 'good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do'(Ephesians 2:10). I may never fulfil my unique purpose in life. And I wonder, how many others have seen that purpose in the distance and never taken hold of it,... and what the kingdom would look like if we actually believed in Christ as our light and our guide? If we took Jesus' hand and scooted on past those great big scary juggernauts, all the while looking up into his face and revelling in the unsurpassed wideness of his love for us?
I want to believe. Lord help my unbelief. Help me, from this day forward, to focus on you, your power and your purpose, rather than on the festering insecurities which have eaten away at my soul and made me impotent in your kingdom. And just as I must move my focus from the oncoming traffic, help me to think less on the spiritual journeys of others and how mine is comparable. My vision must be centred upon you, 'fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith' (Hebrews 12:2).
An epiphany is one thing. A living faith is another. Come walk with me as I seek to discover what that faith looks like in my life, and how it might shine forth His greatness and glory.
Jo x
Philippians 3:13-15 ESV / 14
Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you.
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